lauren3210 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lauren3210) wrote2014-09-05 09:37 pm
lauren3210) wrote2014-09-05 09:37 pm
Entry tags:
Kind of a mixed bag day
I've finally finished going through the mountain of MSs on my work desk today, which means that I can spend this evening and the weekend writing! I have a Stucky fic knocking in my head, forcing me to write it, plus some more ideas on how to make my HD_Erised story make actual sense, plus a quick H/D fic for a trope that I haven't tried with that pairing yet, so I'm looking forward to getting around to some of those over the next couple of days.
A couple of weeks ago, we took our youngest to see an ENT specialist, because we noticed that she was often asking people to repeat themselves, and we got the results back today. And it's exactly what we thought it was. It's a congenital defect; both my husband and our middle daughter Maddie have it. The small bones in the ear slowly ossify, and over time the ear drum adheres to them and severely reduces the amount of vibrations. Imogen has now been diagnosed with 60% hearing loss already, which is a lot. And I feel bad, because we were really hoping it wouldn't be too bad. And I feel bad that I feel bad, because so what, right? I mean, with 3 of our little family unit of 5 all having the same thing, it's not like it's a problem. She is already fluent in BSL, as are the rest of our family and friends, and her doctor has said she's probably picked up at least some lip-reading ability already, seeing as she's got to nearly 5 without us seasoned parents really picking up on it. I kind of really hate that I had obviously been wishing that my baby was 'normal', because she fucking well is normal, and I hate that this is still obviously a thing I have trouble with. I mean, you'd think that a person married to a partially deaf person, with a child who is also partially deaf and on the autism spectrum besides, plus the fact that I'm bipolar, that I would have a better grasp on disabilities and how they should be viewed.
It's just, although I hate being thought of differently because of my bipolar disorder, I still wouldn't wish it on any of my children. But at the same time, I feel awful that I'd basically been hoping for a different outcome than we got with our other daughter. I feel as though I've been subconsciously thinking of both my husband and Maddie as somehow less, and I truly didn't think I was the kind of person to do that. Basically I'm just feeling like a really shitty person right now, and an even shittier parent.
A couple of weeks ago, we took our youngest to see an ENT specialist, because we noticed that she was often asking people to repeat themselves, and we got the results back today. And it's exactly what we thought it was. It's a congenital defect; both my husband and our middle daughter Maddie have it. The small bones in the ear slowly ossify, and over time the ear drum adheres to them and severely reduces the amount of vibrations. Imogen has now been diagnosed with 60% hearing loss already, which is a lot. And I feel bad, because we were really hoping it wouldn't be too bad. And I feel bad that I feel bad, because so what, right? I mean, with 3 of our little family unit of 5 all having the same thing, it's not like it's a problem. She is already fluent in BSL, as are the rest of our family and friends, and her doctor has said she's probably picked up at least some lip-reading ability already, seeing as she's got to nearly 5 without us seasoned parents really picking up on it. I kind of really hate that I had obviously been wishing that my baby was 'normal', because she fucking well is normal, and I hate that this is still obviously a thing I have trouble with. I mean, you'd think that a person married to a partially deaf person, with a child who is also partially deaf and on the autism spectrum besides, plus the fact that I'm bipolar, that I would have a better grasp on disabilities and how they should be viewed.
It's just, although I hate being thought of differently because of my bipolar disorder, I still wouldn't wish it on any of my children. But at the same time, I feel awful that I'd basically been hoping for a different outcome than we got with our other daughter. I feel as though I've been subconsciously thinking of both my husband and Maddie as somehow less, and I truly didn't think I was the kind of person to do that. Basically I'm just feeling like a really shitty person right now, and an even shittier parent.