Kind of a mixed bag day

[lauren3210]

I've finally finished going through the mountain of MSs on my work desk today, which means that I can spend this evening and the weekend writing! I have a Stucky fic knocking in my head, forcing me to write it, plus some more ideas on how to make my HD_Erised story make actual sense, plus a quick H/D fic for a trope that I haven't tried with that pairing yet, so I'm looking forward to getting around to some of those over the next couple of days.

A couple of weeks ago, we took our youngest to see an ENT specialist, because we noticed that she was often asking people to repeat themselves, and we got the results back today. And it's exactly what we thought it was. It's a congenital defect; both my husband and our middle daughter Maddie have it. The small bones in the ear slowly ossify, and over time the ear drum adheres to them and severely reduces the amount of vibrations. Imogen has now been diagnosed with 60% hearing loss already, which is a lot. And I feel bad, because we were really hoping it wouldn't be too bad. And I feel bad that I feel bad, because so what, right? I mean, with 3 of our little family unit of 5 all having the same thing, it's not like it's a problem. She is already fluent in BSL, as are the rest of our family and friends, and her doctor has said she's probably picked up at least some lip-reading ability already, seeing as she's got to nearly 5 without us seasoned parents really picking up on it. I kind of really hate that I had obviously been wishing that my baby was 'normal', because she fucking well is normal, and I hate that this is still obviously a thing I have trouble with. I mean, you'd think that a person married to a partially deaf person, with a child who is also partially deaf and on the autism spectrum besides, plus the fact that I'm bipolar, that I would have a better grasp on disabilities and how they should be viewed.

It's just, although I hate being thought of differently because of my bipolar disorder, I still wouldn't wish it on any of my children. But at the same time, I feel awful that I'd basically been hoping for a different outcome than we got with our other daughter. I feel as though I've been subconsciously thinking of both my husband and Maddie as somehow less, and I truly didn't think I was the kind of person to do that. Basically I'm just feeling like a really shitty person right now, and an even shittier parent.

Comments

[inglevine.livejournal.com]

Oh, lovely. The feelings are so complicated, aren't they? And I don't think you think of your husband or kids as lesser. Maybe you just realised that their lives would be a little easier if they didn't have the challenges they did?

I know every now and then I wonder what my son would be like if he were "normal", which makes no sense, because his autism is intrinsically part of who he is.

I don't think you're shitty for having these thoughts. You don't love her any less. You were just hoping she would lucky enough not to have a disability, and that's completely natural, imo. And you just got the news. You deserve time to adjust to it and sort it out in your mind.

♥

[lauren3210.livejournal.com]

After sleeping on it, I've kind of come to the conclusion that guilt and complicated feelings are just a part of being a parent *sigh* And you're right, this is a part of who they are.

Thanks for the lovely words, sweetie <3

[celestlyn.livejournal.com]

Don't beat yourself up about things! It's natural for you to want your child to be perfect and without any issues that would make her life more difficult. But you are correct--she IS normal and perfect. You all are, just the way you are.

[lauren3210.livejournal.com]

Thanks, lovely! I guess maybe I was just in denial as to how much I wanted the news to be different, so it kind of hit me hard. <3

[capitu]

Oh darling. Don't feel bad for having these thoughts, feelings are complicated. And you know you're right, she, they, are perfect exactly the way they are. **hugs**

[lauren3210.livejournal.com]

Thank you sweetie *hugs*