Giving up a vice is hard
Nov. 14th, 2014 04:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lauren3210So, I'm a smoker. I've been smoking now for 20 years, which is longer than half my lifetime. I started way back when at the tender age of 13 and my (much older) boyfriend used to share his with me. I've done the whole eating minty chewing gum and spraying myself with bodyspray until I'm choking, so that my mum won't notice the smell when I got home from school (of course, she always did, because you can't cover that smell up). I've sneaked out of school to have a quick smoke between lessons. I've stolen packets of cigarettes from my dad (who was also a heavy smoker). I've just... always smoked. It's my Thing. I don't drink a lot (I don't like the taste); I don't have a shoe fetish - I own 3 pairs of shoes and am fine with that; I don't spend loads of money on clothes or bathroom products. It's just what I do.
Interestingly, I've always managed to give up entirely when I've been pregnant. With each baby, I have stopped smoking around the morning sickness stage and kept it up until long after my babies were born (I also stopped biting my nails, which is another gross habit I wish I could break, but then I'd end up scratching my newborn angel and start biting them al over again). I also managed to quit for 18 months a few years ago after a stint in hospital - spending 5 weeks in intensive care is apparently a really good way to break any habit; I also broke my physical need for caffeine while I was there.
I've never really had an issue with my smoking. I know it's bad for me, I know it smells horrible, and I know that it heightens my risk of another blood clot forming (which happened during my pregnancy with my second child). But... I like it. I don't just smoke because I'm addicted - I actually wasn't addicted until a few years ago; I could go for days without a cigarette with no side effects of withdrawal - I smoke because I enjoy it. There's honestly nothing I enjoy more than sitting outside on a lovely summer's afternoon, with a book and a cigarette. But, it's becoming a problem for me now, because now I am actually addicted to it. If I don't have a smoke, I get jittery and frustrated with everyone. I can't seem to write without holding a lit cigarette between my fingers - I'm even smoking as I write this because otherwise it feels like the words won't come and I get frustrated. And because I spend a lot of my time - both for work and for free time - in front of a laptop, it means that the amount I smoke has gone way up.
And I don't like that. The stubbornness in me hates being beholden to anything, and the idea that I can't function properly without a cigarette in my hands really annoys me. I want to stop, or at least cut way down to only a few a day, to the ones I really enjoy, like an after dinner smoke, or the one with my cup of tea in the morning. But at the same time, my stubbornness makes me want to keep going, because I enjoy it, damn it, so why should I give up something I enjoy? It's a literal internal struggle, and it's annoying me.
I'd love to just give up, just so I can say that I can. My best friend from school, who was my smoking partner in crime when we were teenagers, gave up a couple of years ago, and my husband (who is a doctor and so gets really annoyed with me smoking anyway) has started using her as incentive for me to quit also. And i know I should, because it's healthier for me and everyone around me - I don't smoke around my kids but they do wander into my study sometimes, which is bad for them.
This is basically just a post about me being whiny, because I want to give up and yet I also don't want to, and so I'm spending a lot of time just being very frustrated with myself. Which, unsurprisingly enough, makes me smoke more while I think about my dilemma. Le sigh. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, my mother was right. And isn't that a depressing thought? I can never tell her, she'd never let me live it down.
Interestingly, I've always managed to give up entirely when I've been pregnant. With each baby, I have stopped smoking around the morning sickness stage and kept it up until long after my babies were born (I also stopped biting my nails, which is another gross habit I wish I could break, but then I'd end up scratching my newborn angel and start biting them al over again). I also managed to quit for 18 months a few years ago after a stint in hospital - spending 5 weeks in intensive care is apparently a really good way to break any habit; I also broke my physical need for caffeine while I was there.
I've never really had an issue with my smoking. I know it's bad for me, I know it smells horrible, and I know that it heightens my risk of another blood clot forming (which happened during my pregnancy with my second child). But... I like it. I don't just smoke because I'm addicted - I actually wasn't addicted until a few years ago; I could go for days without a cigarette with no side effects of withdrawal - I smoke because I enjoy it. There's honestly nothing I enjoy more than sitting outside on a lovely summer's afternoon, with a book and a cigarette. But, it's becoming a problem for me now, because now I am actually addicted to it. If I don't have a smoke, I get jittery and frustrated with everyone. I can't seem to write without holding a lit cigarette between my fingers - I'm even smoking as I write this because otherwise it feels like the words won't come and I get frustrated. And because I spend a lot of my time - both for work and for free time - in front of a laptop, it means that the amount I smoke has gone way up.
And I don't like that. The stubbornness in me hates being beholden to anything, and the idea that I can't function properly without a cigarette in my hands really annoys me. I want to stop, or at least cut way down to only a few a day, to the ones I really enjoy, like an after dinner smoke, or the one with my cup of tea in the morning. But at the same time, my stubbornness makes me want to keep going, because I enjoy it, damn it, so why should I give up something I enjoy? It's a literal internal struggle, and it's annoying me.
I'd love to just give up, just so I can say that I can. My best friend from school, who was my smoking partner in crime when we were teenagers, gave up a couple of years ago, and my husband (who is a doctor and so gets really annoyed with me smoking anyway) has started using her as incentive for me to quit also. And i know I should, because it's healthier for me and everyone around me - I don't smoke around my kids but they do wander into my study sometimes, which is bad for them.
This is basically just a post about me being whiny, because I want to give up and yet I also don't want to, and so I'm spending a lot of time just being very frustrated with myself. Which, unsurprisingly enough, makes me smoke more while I think about my dilemma. Le sigh. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, my mother was right. And isn't that a depressing thought? I can never tell her, she'd never let me live it down.
