And I'm back
Dec. 10th, 2014 11:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lauren3210I thought I was going to be gone longer, but my family members insisted that they could look after themselves and that I should go back home to my girls, so now I'm back. I'm still feeling a little raw, and a little bit out of it, but I think my mum was probably right, and that I'll be able to feel better quicker when I can see evidence that life goes on by spending time with my kids. Thank you to everyone who left me lovely messages of support, it really meant a lot to me. I'm going to now jump back in and read and comment on all the lovely fics I missed out on while I was away, and hopefully I'll start feeling more like myself soon.
Again, using my journal as a therapist, I'm going to ramble on about my Uncle Les, just to get out some of these pent up feelings.
My mum met Les at university, they shared a flat together. For a few years, it was just the four of them; my mum, my dad, Les, and his wife Maggie. When I came along, I was the only baby in their life; none of their other friends had children, and they were all living far away from their families. I was spoilt rotten, passed around from couple to couple, friend to friend. I was pretty much raised by a bunch of twenty something professionals who had no clue what to do with babies - they used to put alcohol in my milk bottles; I'm pretty sure I spent the first 3 years of my life a little bit tipsy.
I was 3 when my dad left, and from that point onward I only saw him a couple of times a year. My mum and I lived in our house just outside London, and she was pretty much on her own. Her parents begged her to move back home so they could take care of us both, but she didn't want to uproot my life any more than it already had been. My father kind of got all their single and childless friends in the divorce, and so she was pretty much stuck on her own, with no car and barely enough money to cover the mortgage and my childcare, and a 3 year old Daddy's girl who just wanted her Daddy back.
Uncle Les and Aunt Maggie stepped in to help though, and without them, I really don't know what my young childhood would be like. Maggie would take my mum out for the day, so she had time to be herself for a while, instead of just a working mother. And Les would take care of me; he'd bathe me and dress me, sing me to sleep, take me to the zoo and carry me around on his shoulders. He bought me christmas presents and birthday presents, took me sledding when it snowed (our sled was a door he took down from his own house, bless him), made cakes with me and kissed my knees when I skinned them. I was a daddy's girl who had lost her daddy, so I latched onto him completely and utterly, and he just held me tight right back.
Then, when I was 7, my mum remarried. And Les took a step back, letting my new stepdad (who is wonderful) do all of the things he had been doing for me ever since my dad walked out. But he was still close by, coming round for holidays, lifting me up over his shoulders until I lost my breath from giggling so much, playing with me (he made a wonderful princess). He made sure to pay extra special attention to me when my new baby brother was born, and he watched as I grew up, telling me how beautiful I was becoming, how clever I was, how lucky he was to know me. He was there outside the hospital with my stepdad when I gave birth to my first daughter, and he cried when he held her, he said "because she looks just like you, so beautiful."
My dad was a bit of an asshole, really. I only saw him two to three times a year, and he often left me alone for hours at a time on the occasions that he had me for a weekend (I still can't watch Disney movies even now, because they remind me of being left alone in front of the TV while he went back to bed), and he's told me more than once that he left my mum because of me, because he never wanted kids. But I was so so very lucky, because growing up I had two dads, and they both chose me. They didn't have to; I wasn't theirs. But they chose to love me, and because of them (and my mother) I never went a day of my life not knowing that I was loved, that I was special.
And now I've lost one of the most wonderful people I have ever known. Les was one of my favourite people, and I miss him so much. I just want one of his hard squeezes one more time. But I am grateful to have known him, to have had him in my life, and I am so, so grateful that he chose to look after me, that he chose to love me.
Now I'm going to go and cry for a while longer, and then get stuck into those![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
hd_erised fics - wow, all of them look so good!
Again, using my journal as a therapist, I'm going to ramble on about my Uncle Les, just to get out some of these pent up feelings.
My mum met Les at university, they shared a flat together. For a few years, it was just the four of them; my mum, my dad, Les, and his wife Maggie. When I came along, I was the only baby in their life; none of their other friends had children, and they were all living far away from their families. I was spoilt rotten, passed around from couple to couple, friend to friend. I was pretty much raised by a bunch of twenty something professionals who had no clue what to do with babies - they used to put alcohol in my milk bottles; I'm pretty sure I spent the first 3 years of my life a little bit tipsy.
I was 3 when my dad left, and from that point onward I only saw him a couple of times a year. My mum and I lived in our house just outside London, and she was pretty much on her own. Her parents begged her to move back home so they could take care of us both, but she didn't want to uproot my life any more than it already had been. My father kind of got all their single and childless friends in the divorce, and so she was pretty much stuck on her own, with no car and barely enough money to cover the mortgage and my childcare, and a 3 year old Daddy's girl who just wanted her Daddy back.
Uncle Les and Aunt Maggie stepped in to help though, and without them, I really don't know what my young childhood would be like. Maggie would take my mum out for the day, so she had time to be herself for a while, instead of just a working mother. And Les would take care of me; he'd bathe me and dress me, sing me to sleep, take me to the zoo and carry me around on his shoulders. He bought me christmas presents and birthday presents, took me sledding when it snowed (our sled was a door he took down from his own house, bless him), made cakes with me and kissed my knees when I skinned them. I was a daddy's girl who had lost her daddy, so I latched onto him completely and utterly, and he just held me tight right back.
Then, when I was 7, my mum remarried. And Les took a step back, letting my new stepdad (who is wonderful) do all of the things he had been doing for me ever since my dad walked out. But he was still close by, coming round for holidays, lifting me up over his shoulders until I lost my breath from giggling so much, playing with me (he made a wonderful princess). He made sure to pay extra special attention to me when my new baby brother was born, and he watched as I grew up, telling me how beautiful I was becoming, how clever I was, how lucky he was to know me. He was there outside the hospital with my stepdad when I gave birth to my first daughter, and he cried when he held her, he said "because she looks just like you, so beautiful."
My dad was a bit of an asshole, really. I only saw him two to three times a year, and he often left me alone for hours at a time on the occasions that he had me for a weekend (I still can't watch Disney movies even now, because they remind me of being left alone in front of the TV while he went back to bed), and he's told me more than once that he left my mum because of me, because he never wanted kids. But I was so so very lucky, because growing up I had two dads, and they both chose me. They didn't have to; I wasn't theirs. But they chose to love me, and because of them (and my mother) I never went a day of my life not knowing that I was loved, that I was special.
And now I've lost one of the most wonderful people I have ever known. Les was one of my favourite people, and I miss him so much. I just want one of his hard squeezes one more time. But I am grateful to have known him, to have had him in my life, and I am so, so grateful that he chose to look after me, that he chose to love me.
Now I'm going to go and cry for a while longer, and then get stuck into those
hd_erised fics - wow, all of them look so good!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2014-12-10 11:56 am (UTC)Your uncle Les sounds like he was an amazing person. Your descriptions of him made me smile and sigh even though I don't ever met him. Your loss and your big love for him is palbable in every word and I hope all your fond memories of him help you (and your family) to make the grief bearable.
Hope being around your family and reading some good fics help to distract you as well.
All my love and lots of hugs!
(no subject)
Date: 2014-12-11 01:05 pm (UTC)*squishes you*
(no subject)
Date: 2014-12-10 03:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2014-12-11 01:06 pm (UTC)*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2014-12-10 05:04 pm (UTC)All the hugs, and I hope getting lost in wonderful H/D fic helps!
(no subject)
Date: 2014-12-11 01:07 pm (UTC)I've just read The Light More Beautiful and it was just what I needed, good God was it fantastic!