This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper.

[lauren3210]

This is a mini fanfic idea that swirled through my brain, as I've been trying to sort through my emotions about TVD recently.  it's nothing amazing really, just the last couple of scenes of the finale, told from the perspective of the three main characters.  I'm sure this has already been done to death by many other more able writers than I, but I found it cathartic to write, so maybe some will find it cathartic to read.

I have never really appreciated silence before.

It’s amazing how a situation so terrifying can also be the most peaceful moment you’ve ever stumbled into.  That’s how I felt, trapped in that car, my seatbelt digging into my hipbones, the water filling up all around me, desperate in its attempts to take back what had once escaped its clutches.  I felt like it was always destined to be this way, that I would eventually end up back here, here in the place where I had almost followed my parents as the water dragged them away from their lives.  Of course, I had hoped it wouldn’t be this soon.

This past year, I have been terrified of water.  There were no more trips to the lake with my friends, no more luxurious baths; the idea that the water would want to assert its claim over me would freeze my very bones and I would stiffen, willing away the chills that would radiate throughout my body, as though Death himself had run his fingers down my spine.

I had gotten over my fear of riding in cars remarkably quickly in comparison.  I remember the feel of my friends’ eyes as they watched me cautiously, every time I stepped inside a vehicle, their arms coming around me protectively whenever we would witness a simple fender bender in the school parking lot.  They would drive the long way out of town, always putting at least another half hour onto their journey, just so they wouldn’t make me go near the bridge where my parents had taken their last breaths.  But they never thought I might be afraid of the water.

So as I felt the car swerving wildly beneath me, my scream at Matt to watch out! still on my lips, it wasn’t the car that I was afraid of.  It wasn’t the bridge that scared me.  It was the feel of the water as it climbed up my legs, slowly at first, then gaining speed, as though it sensed that this time, this time I wouldn’t escape.

Panic rose up in me so fast I thought that I would choke on the fear long before the water line ever reached my lips.  But then the water surged in faster, desperate now, impatient to take me before I found a way out.  Before long I was completely submerged, the heavy water making it harder for me to move.  My mind flashed back to the last time I was here, in a car sitting on the riverbed, unable to breathe but desperately needing to.  I remembered my father’s attempts to get us out and I mimicked him, hitting the glass with my elbow.  Of course, it didn’t work; it hadn’t worked for my father either.  I turned to Matt in panic, shaking him, trying to wake him up.  If he was unconscious, then he would be breathing in the water.  I couldn’t lose anyone else I loved. 

And then, a miracle happened.  As it was in the past, so it was in the present.  Stefan was there, breaking the door off with his vampire strength.  I almost breathed in with relief, but caught myself just in time.  My eyes widened as he reached across Matt, trying to take me first.  No, I couldn’t let that happen.  Matt was down here because of me, because Rebekah had wanted to kill me.  I couldn’t let anyone else die for me.  I gestured to him, my movements exaggerated in the clinging water.  He understood, like I knew he would.  That was why I chose him, after all.

I watched them disappear up towards the surface, the murky water swallowing them whole.  And then it happened.  The terror that had been thrumming through my veins from the moment the car had touched the water just... disappeared.  As I sat there in the submerged truck, my hair billowing slowly around me, I felt a different feeling course through me instead.  The water stopped feeling like it was tugging at me maliciously; it felt more like an old friend, welcoming me back into its arms.  I felt... peaceful.  I had been driving back to see Stefan, to see him one last time, and I had done just that.  All the fear that I had been living with constantly for the past year began to fade, as though the water was leaching it out of me, comforting me as it held me in its warm embrace.

It’s all over, I thought, and the idea filled me with tranquillity.  No more running, no more hiding, no more of the constant fear that somebody else that I loved would leave me behind.  This time, I would be joining them, Mom, Dad, Jenna, John, and all the countless others that had been forced to leave me alone.  And so I did it, consciously, purposefully.  I let out the last remaining bubble of air in my lungs.  And then I just... breathed in.

My last thought, as the water burned my lungs and my vision blurred and darkened, was a simple wish, and it echoed through the darkness as it swallowed me whole.

I wish I could have seen Damon one last time too.

Sounds came back to me first, distorted as though heard from a great distance.  I heard raised voices, but the sound was so far away that I couldn’t make out the words.  I wanted it to stop, I didn’t want to hear angry shouts anymore; shouting was not peaceful.  I wanted to go back to where it was peaceful.  I tried to close my mind off to it; waited for the water to take me back to where it was silent.  I didn’t want to hear any more angry and indistinct noises.

“Where is she?”

The words came through clearly suddenly, as though someone had shouted them in my ear.  The other sounds around me were still muted, dull, but that voice cut through the darkness with perfect clarity.  The pain and terror that radiated from that one voice shuddered over me, the sound ripping through me and bringing the rest of my senses into focus.  I was no longer disembodied thoughts floating in the darkness.  I was a body, a person, wearing damp clothes and lying on something hard and cold.

“Where is she?”

The voice slammed through me again, and I opened my eyes and gasped.

And for a moment, everything is silent.

 *****

 

I have never really understood the phrase “be careful what you wish for”.  At least, not until now.

The day I walked away to follow Klaus out of Mystic Falls, I truly didn’t think I would ever be able to come back.  I kept the memory of holding her close that last time, tucking it away in the back of my mind, letting it soothe my troubled thoughts.  I thought it would be okay, I thought I would be okay, as long as I knew that she and Damon were safe.  But then it all went wrong.  Klaus still needed her, so she was still in danger, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.  I can still remember the horror I felt, waking up in that truck, parked back in Mystic Falls.  If I was anywhere else, I could pretend.  As long as I didn’t step foot back here, I could pretend that I’d moved on, that I hadn’t left a piece of myself here, clinging to the life I almost had.  But how could I pretend not to feel anything when she was standing right in front of me?

I had given up any hope I had held for our future, the moment I drank from that girl in the warehouse.  I knew it would take me decades to get back to who I was, decades Elena didn’t have to waste on waiting for me.  I also knew what she felt for Damon; that their relationship had already moved far beyond the ties of friendship that she insisted on calling it.  I had known when I took that first sip of blood to save Damon’s life that I was giving them a chance to realise what I already knew; that she loved him.  But I had been okay with that; as long as I knew they were both alive and safe, I could deal with the consequences my actions would have.  Somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind where I didn’t have to think about it too much, I was even happy for them.  As long as I was anywhere but here.

Not content with ripping me from my life, Klaus proceeded to throw what I had lost in front of me; watched with glee as I stumbled from the pain.  He compelled me to do the one thing that I was most afraid of; to turn off my humanity.  Once it was done, I almost felt relief; the knowledge that I was slipping closer and closer to the edge from my own actions more horrific to me than the actual fall.  I revelled in the freedom; in the absence of guilt.  And then the compulsion was lifted, and I was faced with another horrifying prospect.  I have already been through this process of redemption, Lexi would always force me.  But this time, I had nobody to insist that I come back, and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to face it on my own.

And then they kissed.  I knew it would happen eventually, and I knew that I should be okay with it.  Maybe I would have been, if I had been anywhere but here.  I realised then that if I had any chance at all of getting back the life I wanted, the life I almost had, then I had to fight for it.  And that meant I had to wrestle with myself.  So I struggled with my bloodlust and I threw Elena at Damon.  I knew the risk I faced, that I may lose her to him once and for all, but I had to know.  I had to know if what we once had and could have again was enough for her to reject him.  I still don’t know the outcome of that.

But none of that matters now.  Because now, now she lies on a cold metal table, soon to wake up as the one thing she never wanted to be.  I have known for the longest time that Elena has never wanted to become a vampire; I knew long before she ever voiced it for herself.  I knew the moment she looked at Jeremy with horror on her face as she asked him why he would want it.  It was part of the reason why I was able to walk away so easily and leave with Klaus; could I ever really have the life I so desperately crave when she doesn’t want the same thing?  All the things that she wanted from her life are all the things that I can never give her; growing old together, having children, creating a normal, happy family.  But still, I can’t deny that the thought was always in the back of my mind, even though I refused to form it.  Maybe she would change her mind.  Maybe circumstances would change it for her.

And now they have.  It was circumstance that made Meredith give her vampire blood to heal her, circumstance that threw her off the bridge and into the river.  It was her own stubbornness that made her insist I save Matt first, my own inability to let her hate me that made me comply with her wishes.  And now all that’s left is to find out whether it will be circumstance or choice that will see her complete the transition.

She had a choice down at the bottom of that river; survival over compassion.  Her compassion won out, as it always does.  But I had a choice too.  I could have taken her instead, saved her life and left Matt to die.  But if I’m honest with myself, this time I didn’t honour her wishes because I was afraid to let her hate me.  If I’m honest with myself, I did what she asked because I think I could handle her not being here anymore.  After all, if she had stayed human, that would have happened eventually.  But if I’m honest with myself, what I couldn’t handle, is seeing her with Damon.

So I took the easy way out.  I chose the probability of her dying over the possibility of her not choosing me.  Now here I am, listening to Damon’s anger out in the hallway.  And now here I sit, waiting for her to wake up to her new life, the one she never wanted, waiting to see if she will choose to spend it with me.

Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it.  And you might find yourself wishing it away again.

 *****

I have always scoffed at the phrase “broken heart”.  Can emotions really do that to someone?

I have spent a large part of my existence not caring about anything.  Actually, that’s not true.  It might be better to say that I have spent a long time forcing myself not to care about anything, and pretending it came easily and naturally.  If I think back honestly, nothing in my life has come naturally; nothing has been easy, nothing has happened to me without a great deal of personal force.  I tried hard to be a good son, pretended it didn’t matter when I failed.  I tried hard to be everything Katherine wanted, pretended to be okay with her also needing Stefan.  I tried hard to be the perfect vampire, pretended I was until my reputation preceded me.  I tried hard to forget about Elena and bring Stefan back to her, and pretended it was fine when it happened.  I tried hard to be the kind of man that she would want, pretended I was okay with learning that I never could be.  I tried hard to crush that tiny spark of hope inside of me, pretended that I had succeeded.  But when she told me she had chosen Stefan, for some reason I just couldn’t pretend anymore.  As I lay on that concrete floor, my former best friend ready to break all of my bones before sending me on to the other side, that spark of hope remained.  Maybe if we had met first, she had said.  I should know it wouldn’t make a difference, I know it won’t make a difference, but God help me, I just can’t pretend to not have hope after that, at least for a while.  Because technically, we did meet first.  That’s not what she meant, and I know this.  She meant, maybe if we had met first and I had been nice to her and made her forget about her parents dying and we had had a relationship first.  But still, that little technicality is enough to ignite that spark, to make me fight back against my own fate, if only for a moment.

And then in that one moment, everything changes.  There I was, fighting to the death the only person that I have ever really been able to call my friend.  Both of us trying to get the upper hand, even though he knows this is pointless as I am about to die anyway, and I know this is pointless because I wouldn’t be able to take him down permanently.  The entire situation would be laughable if it wasn’t so pathetically tragic. 

But then he stumbles, and he clings onto me as his legs give out, and for one last fleeting moment, we are friends again.  I hold him in my arms as I should have done in the tomb, and even though I don’t understand what is going on, I know what is happening; he’s dying.  Again.  My outlook on the world has always been incredibly cynical.  I turn for Katherine, only to find out that she never really wanted me in the first place.  I leave the town that took away everything from me, only to come back and have it give everything back and more.  I finally make a friend, and then I have to watch him die in my arms.  I fight to bring my brother back from the edge, only to find out that he didn’t need me for that.  A human girl forces me to feel more of my humanity, only to find that it will never be enough.

So I hold my best friend as his face greys and covers itself with veins.  And then it hits me.  Alaric’s life is connected to Elena’s, and the only way for him to die is for...

And as I sit there, momentarily stunned, I think I finally understand that phrase.  Because I am pretty certain that my heart has just broken in two.

For a vampire with superhuman healing abilities, I have spent way too much time in this hospital.  Within these walls, I have fed Caroline and Alaric my blood.  I have had my blood stolen.  I have been there to try and solve mysteries and to pick Alaric up.  I have even, literally, picked Elena’s small form up and carried her away from this place that smells like death.  But this time will be the last time I will set foot here.  This time, I will leave the hospital grounds with empty arms and an empty heart, and I will face the coming sunrise for the last time.  But I need to see her before I go.  I need to look at my girl one last time, to know that this is real.  I need to stroke her hair behind her ear, touch her velvet skin. 

Everyone is there in the hallway.  Everyone except Stefan.  But I don’t care about any of them; I just want to see her one last time.  But Meredith tries to stop me, pushing against my chest like she thinks her meagre human strength could do anything against my vampire will. 

“Where is she?” I growl at her, although I already know.  Some inexplicable force is guiding my eyes to the closed door, and I know that Elena is in there.

Meredith gabbles words at me, words that I don’t understand, nor do I have the inclination to try.  Why is she telling me about Elena’s earlier visit to the hospital?  As if that would have any bearing on where she is now.  But then her words suddenly start to make sense, and the irony of this situation fills me with horror.

In a moment of usual selfishness, I took away her choice and force-fed her my blood.  It took me a long time to come back from that mistake and now, just as I had realised that being a vampire is something she would never want to be, it will still be my blood that takes her choice from her.

I think I will continue to scoff at the phrase “heart-broken”.  Because it is not adequate enough to describe the shattering feeling in my chest.