piercing update
May. 11th, 2015 09:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lauren3210So, for those of you who read my post last week, I thought I'd give an update on what's been happening with my daughter's school. On Friday, I spoke with her head of house, Mr. A. It was only a brief chat, but he said that it would probably be fine, as long as she wore her hair down to cover it. Yay, I thought. Success! Then, later in the day, I get a call from my daughter, who is totally distraught. Following the advice of Mr. A, when asked by another teacher if she'd taken the piercing out, she said yes. Mr. W then demanded that she lift her hair to show him, to prove it. She said no, she doesn't have to show him any part of her body if she doesn't want to. He replied that if a member of staff tells her to do something she is to do it, without question. Now, guys, I'm just not having that, so when she called me in a panic, I asked her to hand me over to this Mr. W, with whom I had a bit of a chat, that basically amounted to me telling him that if he came within 10 feet of my daughter ever again, I would make sure the entire board of governors and the police know of his proclivity for telling teenage girls to do whatever he says without question. I mean, really, NO. Not acceptable behaviour, Mr. W. (and also, why are you even here, you don't even teach my daughter.)
So anyway, this morning, Eryn goes off to school with her hair down, but it turns out that this prick hasn't let it go, and so now her head of house and her head of year have decided that she must either remove the piercing, or stay in isolation until such time that the piercing has healed enough for her to remove it for the school day. So I get a phone call from Mr. A this morning, telling me of their decision, and I tried really fucking hard, I really did. I explained my stance on their forcing my child to choose between her right to her own body and her right to an education, I brought up the fact that other students come into school wearing jewellery and make up and hair dye without being taken out of classes for it. But, they refused to budge. And then he asked me what I was going to do about it. So, I told the fucker that I was going to leave the decision up to my daughter, because unlike him and the other two middle aged white men, I don't actually try to take control over my daughter's right to choose what happens to her.
And of course, my intelligent, beautiful, wonderful daughter chooses her education over her piercing. She could have stayed in isolation, could have sat in a room on her own and worked quietly on her schoolwork and kept the piercing she so desperately wanted, but she chose not to, because she knew that she wouldn't get the full educational experience without her teachers there to help her. I would have chosen the opposite; I would have sat in that class and stared them down, because I am and always have been a stubborn cow. And I just feel so bad for her, because she's being discriminated against because she's a good girl, a good student. They don't bother with the ones who walk into class with their faces done up like they're off on a night out clubbing, because they know they would be like me and wouldn't give in. They pick their battles, and they knew my daughter was one they could win, and I feel literally sick with rage. Because I remember it, I remember wearing the simple Claddagh ring that came from a time when my parents were still married, I remember the teacher insisting I take it off and give it to her, I remember the feeling of utter powerlessness, the frustrated hopelessness that comes with being put in a situation where you can do nothing other than bend to another person's will. It's been twenty years, and I can still remember that feeling, like a sick hot burn in my chest. And do you know what it feels like? It feels exactly like the time I was sexually assaulted in my own home, by someone I thought I could trust.
And yeah, it's only a piercing, only a piece of jewellery, and that's how I've tried to play it off to Eryn. I've told her that the very second her last exam is over, I will take her to get all the piercings she wants, we'll dye her hair blue like she wants, and she can walk back into that school and tell them exactly where they can shove their arbitrary rules. But it's not just a piercing, not to her. It's a part of her, a choice she made about herself that society (and by society I mean middle aged white men) has told her she's not allowed to make. And I wish I could tell her that it's a one off, that it won't happen again, that as soon as she's away from that school and in a place that won't treat their students like naughty puppies to be smacked on the nose for pulling at their leash, it'll be over. But I can't. I can't, because she's a female, and these hits are just going to keep on coming, and our schools seem determined to keep that as the status quo.
And now I need to go hit something forever. Ugh.
So anyway, this morning, Eryn goes off to school with her hair down, but it turns out that this prick hasn't let it go, and so now her head of house and her head of year have decided that she must either remove the piercing, or stay in isolation until such time that the piercing has healed enough for her to remove it for the school day. So I get a phone call from Mr. A this morning, telling me of their decision, and I tried really fucking hard, I really did. I explained my stance on their forcing my child to choose between her right to her own body and her right to an education, I brought up the fact that other students come into school wearing jewellery and make up and hair dye without being taken out of classes for it. But, they refused to budge. And then he asked me what I was going to do about it. So, I told the fucker that I was going to leave the decision up to my daughter, because unlike him and the other two middle aged white men, I don't actually try to take control over my daughter's right to choose what happens to her.
And of course, my intelligent, beautiful, wonderful daughter chooses her education over her piercing. She could have stayed in isolation, could have sat in a room on her own and worked quietly on her schoolwork and kept the piercing she so desperately wanted, but she chose not to, because she knew that she wouldn't get the full educational experience without her teachers there to help her. I would have chosen the opposite; I would have sat in that class and stared them down, because I am and always have been a stubborn cow. And I just feel so bad for her, because she's being discriminated against because she's a good girl, a good student. They don't bother with the ones who walk into class with their faces done up like they're off on a night out clubbing, because they know they would be like me and wouldn't give in. They pick their battles, and they knew my daughter was one they could win, and I feel literally sick with rage. Because I remember it, I remember wearing the simple Claddagh ring that came from a time when my parents were still married, I remember the teacher insisting I take it off and give it to her, I remember the feeling of utter powerlessness, the frustrated hopelessness that comes with being put in a situation where you can do nothing other than bend to another person's will. It's been twenty years, and I can still remember that feeling, like a sick hot burn in my chest. And do you know what it feels like? It feels exactly like the time I was sexually assaulted in my own home, by someone I thought I could trust.
And yeah, it's only a piercing, only a piece of jewellery, and that's how I've tried to play it off to Eryn. I've told her that the very second her last exam is over, I will take her to get all the piercings she wants, we'll dye her hair blue like she wants, and she can walk back into that school and tell them exactly where they can shove their arbitrary rules. But it's not just a piercing, not to her. It's a part of her, a choice she made about herself that society (and by society I mean middle aged white men) has told her she's not allowed to make. And I wish I could tell her that it's a one off, that it won't happen again, that as soon as she's away from that school and in a place that won't treat their students like naughty puppies to be smacked on the nose for pulling at their leash, it'll be over. But I can't. I can't, because she's a female, and these hits are just going to keep on coming, and our schools seem determined to keep that as the status quo.
And now I need to go hit something forever. Ugh.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-11 08:55 pm (UTC)But she seems like a great kid, and she's lucky to have such a wonderful mother who's so willing to go to bat for her! <3
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-12 08:19 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-11 08:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-12 08:20 am (UTC)<3
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-12 08:27 am (UTC)Mr W: We have to check to make sure the rules are being followed
Me: She has her belly button pierced too, did you know?
Mr W: No, I didn't, but we should really check to make sure she's not wearing jewellery in it.
Me (slightly slyly): What about her nipple piercing, you want to check that too?
Mr W (suddenly backpedaling): Oh, no, that would be fine, because it's covered!
Me: So is her ear, because her hair is down.
Mr W: ...... We have to check to make sure the rules are being followed
Lord, if I could roll my eyes any harder they would have fallen out of their sockets! <3
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-11 09:34 pm (UTC)I remember unhappily removing my acrylic nails because the infection control nurses at work decided that fake nails harbor fungus and diseases under them and it was a risk to patients with open wounds that could be susceptible to infection. I remember being pretty annoyed because they were expensive nails and I think their reasoning was flawed. I believed, and still believe, that if I'm close enough to a patient's open wound that fungus from my fingernail could somehow infect the wound...I damn well better be wearing a pair of gloves. Problem solved! No fungus! (Not that I ever had fungus in my nails!)
But that's just an example of people making up shit in order to further their own agendas. Any way you look at it, some people just live to create and enforce rules. It doesn't matter if they don't make sense. They get some sort of ego boost for their inferiority complex by forcing other people to bend to their will. If your daughter had another year or so in that school, I'd advise yanking her out of there.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-12 01:34 pm (UTC)Thanks darling <3
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-11 09:44 pm (UTC)I hope your beautiful girl just get her piercing again when she's finished school. Is there a way to put earrings (the ones like knobs) in place? So, she wouldn't lose the holes. I know, it's not the same, but at least it would be some sort of resistence.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-15 09:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-11 10:06 pm (UTC)2. *hugs for you* and congrats at being such a great mum! you tried, gave it your best, fought for her right along her, and i am sure she appreciates it, really awesome from you!
3. as i read your tags i was like: year we need feminism, sadly feminism at the moment is fighting once more with itself and is not sure what really to do, but splitting into groups having each other at the neck... its a rather sad story, when such things are still happening...
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-15 09:34 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-11 10:26 pm (UTC)On a practical level, Nia's comment reminded me that there are clear plastic earring spacers/retainers (I don't know if they're called the same thing there, but there's a picture of them here. Do you think there's any chance that, since they're small and clear, she could fly under the radar wearing one in each hole during the school day? And that way it maybe wouldn't close up? I feel like someone who does piercings might have other ideas too. But basically - there might be ways to keep her from losing the piercing, with something like that.
On a philosophical level, would it help either of you to know that this is becoming more and more of a widespread problem and that women your daughter's age and younger are speaking up about it more and more? Because, as you say, the enforcement of these rules involves really repulsive situations where male teachers get away with looking at their students' bodies in inappropriate ways under the guise of enforcing the rules. And she is not alone in coming up against administrators who believe it's their right to dictate what women do with their bodies.
If no, and it will be rage inducing, ignore. If yes, solidarity might be helpful, some things I've seen (many of which focus on clothes rather than piercings/hair/things like that, but all of which talk about the awful experience of body scrutiny):
13 Times School Dress Codes Made Young Girls Ashamed of Their Bodies
The problem with dress codes (by an amazingly eloquent high school sophomore in nj)
How 'Slut Shaming' Has Been Written Into School Dress Codes Across the Country
Girls Speak Out Against School Dress Codes
#iammorethanadistraction
tumblr's dress code tag with lots of examples of posters and whatnot that people have put up at school.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-15 09:42 am (UTC)Thank you for your support, sweetie, it really means so much! <3
(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-12 09:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-05-15 09:43 am (UTC)